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into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. "Dad has\ done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother." Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father." One day I was walking along a dock, and on one side, I saw Bill Clinton Drowning. On the other side, I saw Steve Case (President of AOL) drowning. I had a tough decision to make. Should I have a burrito or a cheeseburger for lunch. Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?" A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Clinton says, "No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?" A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss." What is Bill's idea of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. Mr. Reagen, Mr. Bush and Mr. Clinton are on the Titanic. Mr. Reagen says, "Save the Women!" Mr. Bush says, "Screw the women!" Mr. Clinton says, "Do we have Time?!" Hillary Clinton hired a new intern for Bill. Lorena Bobbit The country seems to be doing pretty good -- everybody's got a job, money is up, lot of houses. How many people care that the President's having sex? Does it bother anybody? See, that's basically the difference between the Republicans and the Democrats . The Republicans are after your money, the Democrats are after your sister. The former Surgeon General was discussing who is the easiest to operate on with some friends. One surgeon said engineers were the easiest to operate on because their insides were color coded. One surgeon said librarians were the easiest because their insides were arranged in alphabetical order. Elders said that Clinton was the easiest person to operate on by far. He has no guts, no spine, no heart and this dick and brain are interchangeable! 1. There is an unconfirmed report from Washington DC that about one month ago a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would "go down" in history. * 2. What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in twenty minutes. * 3. Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm. * 4. Why was Monica Lewinsky in the White House after hours? Clinton was showing her the proper way to take "dic"tation. * 5. What was President Clinton's explanation for having oral sex with Monica Lewinsky? "They told me she was the "head" intern!" * 6. What's the recipe for Clinton stew? A small weenie in hot water. * 7. What do Monica and Bill Clinton have most in common? They're both going down. * 8. Someone ask Clinton if he was going back to Arkansas after this is all over. He said he thought he would stay in D.C. and poke around for a while. * 9. What did Ms. Lewinsky was allegedly say when offered a position at the the U.N? Would that, then, be a "missionary position?" * 10. How did Clinton exercise his position as Commander-in-Chief? By barking out orders . . . like "Get Under the Desk!" * 11. Don't feel sorry for Monica...... She'll be back "on her knees" in no time! * 12. Why does Clinton think he's innocent? Because he didn't inhale the intern! * 13. Bill wasted all that energy running for President. He thought they said the "Oral" Office. * 14. How did 500 women sampled at random respond when asked if they would have sex with Bill Clinton? 86% responded "Not again!" * 15. During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky" Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky" * 16. Did you hear Clinton doesn't use bookmarks? He just bends over and sticks the pages! * 17. Why does Bill drink so much coffee? He is required to "stay up" for many hours to satisfy the needs of his staff. * 18. Why did Bill get into this problem? He didn't know that harass was one word. * 19. Clinton Presidential Anthem -- Kneel to the Chief * 20. Why is there no proof? She swallowed the evidence. * 21. What was Bill's rationalization that oral sex is not a sexual encounter? Because Monica did not swallow! * 22. Who's handling the case? "Inter"al Affairs * 23. Prosecutor: Mr. Clinton, did you have an improper relationship with Monica Lewinsky? Pres: Improper? ... Ain't nothing improper about that. That was one of the the sweetest interns I've ever had. * 24. What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate? At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat." * 25. How did Bill reply regarding questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? "It wasn't words that I put in her mouth". * 26. Why didn't Monica swallow? Because that would be destruction of evidence. * 27. Why is Chelsea upset about Zippergate? Her dad is getting more dates than she is. * 28. Why did Monica Lewinsky accept an offer to work on the White House staff? She didn't understand know what STAFF he really meant. * 29. Why is President Clinton waiting to tell his side of the story? He's waiting for Marv Albert to do the interview. * 30. Who's going to score first in the Super Bowl? The Denver Broncos or the Green Bay Packers? Bill Clinton * 31. What was the White House Chief of Staff's reaction to the Lewinsky story? Now I know why they kept calling Monica the "head" intern! * 32. What's Hillary's new nickname for Bill's penis? "The Titanic" - because over 1500 interns went down on it. * 33. What was yesterday's Washington Post Headline? "Bush Beats Clinton" * 34. What is Clinton's new Secret Service Code Name? Unibanger. * 35. How does Hillary feel? She may be the FIRST LADY, but she won't be the LAST * 36. What advice did Yasar Arafat give President Clinton in their meeting on January 22, 1998? "Bill....Goats don't talk!!" * 37. What do Bill and Ross Perot have in common? They both heard a giant sucking sound! * 38. President Clinton said to Monica, "I didn't tell you to lie in deposition . . . I told you to lie in THAT POSITION!" * 39. Realization of from another White House intern . . . And all that time I thought that humming was the shredder! * 40. When asked if he would resign from office, Clinton Said he would "rather stick it out three more years". * 41. Why did Clinton invite Lewinsky into the Oval Office? He wanted to show her the "Executive Branch." * 42. Did you hear that the N.R.A. has asked Congress to impose a five day waiting period on blue passes for interns to the oval office . They want Bill to have a " cooling off period !! " * 43. Why did Monica stop having sex with Bill? She heard he had Presidential Aids * 44. Clinton's motto: "eatin ain't cheatin" * 45. Overheard between the President and Vernon Walters: "VERNON, THAT GIRL COULD SUCK START A HARLEY-DAVIDSON" * 46. The White House dog, Buddy, just called a Press conference. He's going to havet he President neutered. * 47. What is the presidents favorite game? Swallow the Leader. * 48. I heard that Monica Lewinsky's new job may be Director of the Head Start Program. * 49. What important speech is Bill Clinton giving on Tuesday, Jan. 27? The State of the Erection Speech * 50. Most people worry about getting "aids" from sex, Bill worries about getting sex from "aids" * 51. What do Bill Clinton and Walmart have in common? They both have lingerie half off! * 52. Johnny Cochran's latest defense strategy for Slick Willie: If she spit, you must acquit! * 53. What's Slick Willie's new nickname? President-erect. * 54. What is the difference between Monica Lewinsky and a cod fish? One blows the president and the other is a cod fish. * 55. Clinton used to play the Sexophone... Now it's the HarMONICA * 56. Why is Clinton all of a sudden so interested in the Middle East? He heard the Gaza Strip was an exotic dance club! * 57. Did you hear about President Clinton's award nomination? It's for the 1998 Nobel PIECE Prize. * 58. Did you hear the new American slang term for oral sex? "Hey honey, just BILL me!!!" * 59. What do Monica Lewinsky and Sammy "The Bull" Gravano have in common? They both coughed up the evidence. * 60. What's the opposite of "politically - correct"? "POLITICALLY - HONEST"! * 61. What is Bill's Clinton's idea of "safe sex"? A locked door. * 62. Clinton still maintains he was not lying . . . . . .he was standing and she was kneeling * 63. What did Hillary say when Bill told her his side of the story? "This one is hard to swallow" * 64. Did you hear that Monica got honorable mention in her high school year book? ....she was voted most likely to "suckseed"...... * 65. Question for Pres. Clinton: "What was Monica's best feature?" Answer: "She has the whitest teeth I've ever came across." * 66. Why must Monica buy a bunch of new, larger hats? Her affair with Bill has gone to her head. * 67. How is Monica different than a Coke Machine? She performs better when the "Bill" faces down. * 68. Why is the press referring to it as Swallowgate? Because it's a full blown crisis. * 69. What do White House Interns and Saddam Hussein have in common? Clinton wants to bring them both to their knees. * 70. Why did Al Gore visit his urologist this week? He developed a case of premature inauguration. * 71. What position did Lewinsky hold in the whitehouse? She sat on the presidential staff. * 72. What is Monica Lewinskyís favorite item in her wardrobe? Knee pads. * 73. What is Bill Clintons favorite beer? Busch! * 74. What kind of security did Monica Lewinsky have at the White House? Blew Pass. * 75. It appears that Gennifer is not Clinton's favorite flowers, but rather, he prefers Two Lips. * 76. What did Clinton say to Hillary when she asked him what he wanted for dinner? Nothing dear, I'm eating out tonight! * 77. It's easy to see why Monica Lewinsky got a job at the Pentagon.She was always sucking up to the Commander in Chief. * 78. Who were Monica Lewinsky's favorite military personnel when she worked at the Pentagon? Seamen. * 79. If Clinton resigns, Gore may still appoint him Chief of Staff. * 80. Why did Monica Lewinsky have an affair with Bill Clinton? She wanted to add "Sat on Presidential Staff" to her resume. * 81. Dan Quayle, Newt Gingrich and Bill Clinton are driving in the midwest,when all of a sudden their car is swept up by a tornado. When they finally come to fsrest, they find they have wound up in the land of Oz. Quayle says, "Great, I'm going to the Emerald City, and ask the Wizard for a brain". Gingrich says, "I'll go with you, and ask the Wizard for a heart." Clinton says, "......Where's Dorothy?" * 82. To the rhythm of Dr. Suess' Sam I Am......a little politcal humor Mr Starr: Starr I are. I'm here to ask, as you'll soon see.. did yougrope Miss Lewinsky? Did you grope her in your house? Didyou grope beneath her blouse? Mr Clinton: I did not do that here or there... I did not do that anywhere! I did not do that near or far... I did notdo that Starr you are! Mr Starr: Did you smile? Did you Flirt? Did you peek beneath her skirt? And did you tell the girl to lie when called upon to testify? I do not like you Starr you are... I think that you have gone way too far! I will not answer any more...Perhaps I will go start a war! The public's easy to distract... when bombs are falling on Iraq! * 83. Psychiatrists and psychologists now think Clinton has a drug problem because he has shown signs of being addicted to crack. * 84. What do the Nixon Whitehouse and the Clinton Whitehouse have in common? Two Dicks out of control. * 85. As an optomistic democrat I see the good in everything. There are four thingsfor which we can thankful: 1. She's not underage. 2. She's not married. 3. She's not related. 4. She's a she * 86. Why was Monica allowed into the White House on Dec. 27, 1998? The president needed to give her another gag order. * 87. Which of Monica's body parts does Bill most enjoy looking at? The top of her head. * 88. To the theme from Chumbawba's Tubthumping.... My pants go down but they go up again when ever Hillary's around. * 89. Reporter to William Ginsburg: How is Ms. Lewinsky taking all the events of the past two weeks? Response: All this is has left a bad taste in her mouth. * 90. How is Bill Clinton going to be remembered throughout history? He's the president who's always after Bush....... * 91. Why do most Southern men believe that Monica and Bill did the deed? Because we all know that fat girls give the best B--- jobs! * 92. Clinton and the Pope died on the same day and, due to some administrative foul up, Clinton gets sent to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell. The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain,however, that it will take about 24 hours to make the switch. The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat. Pope: Sorry about the mix up. Clinton: No problem. Pope: Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven. Clinton: Why's that? Pope: All my life I've wanted to meet the Virgin Mary. Clinton: You're a day late. * 93. President Clinton wakes up to a beautiful winter morning. The sun shimmering,the air is crisp, and there is a light blanket of snow on the ground. He stretches and goes to look out the window at the snow-covered White House lawn and sees the words "President Clinton sucks" written in pee in the snow. Clinton gets all upset and calls White House Security. He tells them he doesn't care what it takes but he wants to know who did this. The Chief of Security returns in a couple of days to the President and tells him that he has good news, bad news, and real bad news "OK," says Clinton, "give me the good news first, then the bad news, and then the real bad news." The Chief says: "The good news is after taking analysis of the pee, we know who the culprit is." Clinton nods and the Chief continues: "The bad news is the culprit is Vice President Gore."This really upsets the President, but he controls his anger and asks the Chief to tell him the real bad news. The Chief of Security swallows and says, "It's in Hilary's hand writing". * 94. What was monica's job at the White House? De-briefing the president. * 95. What will Bill Clinton's new official title be after this latest sex scandal? Command-her under the sheets. * 96. What is the definition of an Arkansas virgin? A woman who can run faster than Bill Clinton. * 97. What does Monica Lewinsky and the Bermuda Triangle have in common? ----They both swallow seamen. * 98. Whats a keg of beer and Monica Leewinsky have in common? They both produce a good head. * 99. President Bush's favorite line was "Read my lips". President Clinton's favorite line. "Move those lips". * 100. We've known since the election that a lot of American women look up to Bill Clinton...We just didn't know how many of them were doing it from their knees! These ones are the bonus................. * 101. What musical instument does monica play best? The Organ. * 102. What is Pres. Clinton's pet name for Hilary? "My little buttercup" What is Pres. Clinton's pet name for Monica? "My little suction cup" * 103. Why did hillary put roses on the piano? Because there were already "two lips" on the organ! * 104. What's Clinton going to do with the abortion bill? Pay it, of course. * 105. Did you hear that Monica Lewinsky is now working for 7-11? She's endorsing the "Big Gulp" * 106. What was Hillary's reaction to Monica's allegations? She dismissed it as a cock and ball story! * 107. What's the difference between a phillips screwdriver and Bill Clinton? One turns in screws, and the other screws interns!! * 108. Did you hear that Monica scored the highest ever in the Whitehouse internaptitude test? That's because Bill let her take the oral exam. WHAT DID THE PEOPLE SAY WHO WILL BE UR NEXT PRESIDENT? WE DON'T KNOW BUT IT'S SURE GONNA BE AN IMPOTENT PERSON!!!!!!!!!! The Clintons and the Gores are flying in Airforce One when Bill looks out the window & says, "I could throw a $10. bill out right now and make someone very happy." Al says, "Well, I could throw ten $10. bills out and make ten people happy." Hillary says, "I could throw one hundred $1. bills out and make 100 people happy." Chelsea looks at them, rolls her eyes, and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy!" This is a pretty elegant joke that praises the political skills of Henry Kissinger (US Secretary of State in the 70s) Kissinger goes to see a poor man and says, "I want to arrange a marriage for your son." The poor man replies, "I never interfere in my son's life." Kissinger responds, "But the girl is Lord Rothscild's daughter." "Well, in that case..." Next Kissinger approaches Lord Rothschild. "I have a husband for your daughter." "But my daughter is too young to marry." "But this young man is already a vice president of the World Bank." "Ah, in that case..." Finally Kissinger goes to see the president of the World Bank. "I have a young man to recommend you as a vice president." "But I already have more vice presidents than I need." "But this young man is Lord Rothschild's son-in-law." "Ah, in that case....." sung to summer nights Bill Clinton: "Summer intern. had me a blast" Monica Lewinski: White house intern, happened so fast" Bill Clinton: Met a girl crazy for me" Monica Lewinski: "Met the prez, Down on my knees." Bill Clinton: Summer days just a suckin away, ohho , but those summer nights. Investigative commitee: "Well ah,,, Well ah,,well ah, auh All: "Tell us more, tell us more" Linda Trip: try to remember your best" Investigative commitee:"Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he cum on your dress?" Bill Clinton: "Wanted to screw her, but she got a cramp." Monica Lewinski: "The prez was sexy, he got me so damp" Bill Clinton: She gave me head, rigth in the White House." Monica Lewinski: "Said OK, Just don't cum in my mouth" Investigative commitee: "Well ah,,, Well ah,,well ah, auh All: "Tell us more, tell us more" Linda trip: "He sounds like a swell guy" All: "Tell us more, tell us more" Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you a lie?" Bill Clinton: "Press found out. It was a big mess" Monica Lewinski: "He gave me some bucks to buy a new dress" Bill Clinton: "She promised to lie, She made a vow." Monica Lewinski: "Wonder who's doin him now?" Bill and Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams. ..............But...ooohhohoh.....those White House nights.............." First Lady Hillary and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl-to -girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, "You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had that little pecker of his." Janet responded, "Just because I am aesthetically challenged (that's "politically correct" for butt ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances, Hillary asks, "Well how do you deal with the problem?" Janet, "Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the rankest, nastiest fart I can." Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary turned in. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready. She tenses up her butt-cheeks and releases the most disgusting sounding, foulest fart imaginable. Bill rolls over and says, "Is that you, Janet?"
The wives of four Presidents and Prime Ministers are talking together about how a penis is called in their language. The wife of Tony Blair says in England people call it a gentleman, because it stands up when women are entering. The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia people call it a patriot, because it always rises to the occasion. The wife of Chirac says in France people call it a curtain, because it goes down after the act. Hillary says in the USA people call it a rumor, because it goes from mouth to mouth. Jerry Falwell was seated next to President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders. The President asked for a whiskey & soda, which was brought and placed before him. The attendant then asked the minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!" The President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..." Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful,colorful
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